Gone But Not Forgotten (Drop Cookies)

I started the New Year out right, with a glass of my favorite schlock champagne (Marwood Select) and a homemade forgotten drop cookie. As I sat watching the ball fall with John and my friend Daniel and his partner Don, I clinked my glass of champagne with John's and took a sip and began to turn over the previous year in my mind and decided that 2009 was, as far as years go, a gigantic pile of crap.

2009's bum economy, my mother's unsuccessful cancer treatment and her death in March, John's rapid decline in health and near death in July/August, the loss of my beloved greyhound Buster and a not-unsubstantial amount of varied other grim and gloomy tidings all mixed together to make this year the huge pile of stinking, fetid crap that it was.

I took a sip of my champagne and wiped away a few errant tears that had escaped my eyes and thought, 'Well, 2009 sucked, 2010 will have to be better.' I then popped the crunchy meringue cookie in my mouth and thought, 'gone, but not forgotten.'

I then counted myself lucky to have had my mom around as long as I did (36 years!), and John and I were lucky to have Buster for 10 good years, and John and I have been together for 14 years now!

True enough, the year 2009 is now gone, but it's not forgotten. Miserable years bring a whole different but equally important set of life lessons with them than do the joyous ones. And indeed, lessons were learned this year and our lives were changed in ways we were able to comprehend right away and in ways we won't really be able to comprehend until some point in the future.

Time marches on and stops for no one. It heals all wounds and, as I found this year, can make even some dark memories from our past seem golden. Time is neither fair nor unfair. It is what it is, and in truth, time is what you make of it.

Happy 2010! Let's make it one to remember!

-BK

Looking Back As Time Marches On...

The second weekend in October, I went back home to Ligonier, PA, the town where I grew up. Each year, our former hometown holds a huge celebration of its rich history called Fort Ligonier Days. From Friday to Sunday, the center of town is shut down and craft and food stands are erected all around the diamond in the middle of town, and re-enactments of the battle of Fort Ligonier are held. In addition to being historically significant, this festival is a lot of fun as well, with a parade that features some of the best bands, bagpipers and shriners in the area. The festival is held at what might be argued as a quintessentially perfect time of the year for Pennsylvania, autumn, just as the leaves are at their peak, with the chilly autumn air aiding their change to a stunning riot of color.

Growing up, we would go to the festival every year, rain or shine, to walk around with friends, watch the parade and, unsurprisingly, go find our parents as they would be drinking beer at their favorite establishment, Joe's Bar.

This year, we came as former residents many years removed, and walked through the town, pointing things out and remembering how, though some things had changed, much of what we remember from our childhood here had remained the same. We got to chat with our neighbor, Emily, who I was amazed to be able to identify on the spot and who now looks amazingly like her mother, but with much better hair.

As we ate some light food on Friday, I was surprised to hear my name called out by two girls that I'd gone to high school with, and was glad of the chance to get caught up with them. They were probably far too kind in saying that I looked very the same as I did in high school, but who am to argue with a compliment like that?

After the parade on Saturday, my sister Dee, her son Billy and I went out to visit our old house in Wilpen, and actually parked in the driveway and got out and walked around, telling Billy how the place had looked when we lived there, pointing out the wooden foot bridge that was, surprisingly, still intact and working. It was strangely amazing to walk around my former yard, and touching the sides of a huge oak tree that I remember my parents planting when I was a kid. I smiled and told Billy that we used to use that tree as "first base" during kickball games and that back then it were still small enough to almost get your hands around. The house, although slightly expanded by the new owner, still looked exactly as I remember it. I laughed and pointed out to my sister the old oval metallic stickers with the fireman carrying a child on it that mom and dad put on our windows to alert firemen that there were kids in that room if the house were to catch fire and the occupants needed rescuing.

My grandparents house, which was next to our house, looked much improved, and it was obvious that the new owners had done a lot of work on it. I pointed out to my sister the old well that was still next to the basement door, and we both laughed as we noticed the old textured cement area beginning to re-emerge from underneath the new coat of spackle the new owners had put over it.

We then decided to drive over to see Grandma and Grandpa's gravesite, which lay atop a very steep hill above St. Ann's Church. As we turned the corner onto the road that led up to St. Ann's, I began to feel something was wrong. It dawned on me immediately what that was when I realized that I couldn't see the church anymore. We pulled up the drive to where the church had been and got out, both my sister and I were in complete shock. I walked up the grassy hill where the the church used to be and saw a single brick sticking out of the ground. I knelt down and picked it up and realized I was crying. It was like someone had frozen my heart and then taken a hammer to it. I am not a very religious person, but this church was a fixture of my youth, a place I remember going for mass every Sunday and every holiday with my family and my grandparents, and to see it just... gone forever... well, after the rollercoaster year I've had, it just took the heart right out of me. I called over to my sister who was also crying and she quickly called my other sister and instructed her not to bring our father out here, lest the loss of the church really shock and upset him as much as it did the two of us.

I remember the last time I had been to the church. In 2001, my grandma had passed away and my family had gathered to lay her to rest. The service had been a good one, and after my Uncle finished speaking, telling us things about her that were weren't exactly sure he didn't quite make up on the spur of the moment, I got up and lamented the loss of this great woman, whom I had always adored. She had taken care of me since I was a baby, keeping me in line as only she knew how to do, instilling in me my pride in my Slovak heritage and showing me how to cook all the old Slovak dishes. Crestfallen, I vividly remember asking who would be throwing the peas at Christmas for the birds and the animals of the forest now that she was gone. (See my Christmas post on here if you don't understand this.)

It never occurred to me that the Catholic Church in Ligonier/Western PA would allow a beautiful historic church like St. Ann's sit idle and rot until it became unsafe and needed to be demolished. I can only guess they were too busy adding that monstrously huge, expensive looking addition onto Holy Trinity in Ligonier to make it look less like the former train turn-around station that it used to be and more like a real church to be concerned with the upkeep of a beautiful historic little country church like St. Ann's.

After my sister and I recovered from our shock, we went up to the cemetery and cleaned off Grandma and Grandpa's grave, visited with them. I then poured some good bourbon onto Grandpa's side of the grave. I figured it was the right thing to do and thanked him for introducing bourbon to me like he did when he gave me my first shot at age 7. I remember that I didn't much like the taste of it back then, and I kinda thought it was going to eat through my esophagus, but it certainly made for a memorable first drinking experience. My sister and I then walked around the graveyard, pointing out the gravestones of some of our other relatives and people that we had known growing up. I paused when I saw the gravestone of Grandma's bingo buddy, Mary Miney and smiled at all the memories her name brought up. I turned and looked back down the hill to where the church used to be and sighed. With the church now gone, the place looked sad and empty to me. When my sister said she thought it was time to get back, I walked back down the steep hill and, with one more sad look at what used to be my old church, I got back in the car and left.

When I got back to NC, I emailed the Ligonier Valley library and asked if it were possible to get some pictures of St. Ann's church. I got a nice email back with some digital images of the way it looked in the 80s and 90s, and some from as far back as the 1913 and 1960. I remember, albeit vaguely, the way the church had looked before it was remodeled in the late 70s, when, for reasons that go beyond understanding, the pretty gilded insides of the church with its statues of saints and the BVM (Blessed Virgin Mary) and Joseph were replaced with a more stark color scheme and a large imposing crucifix. Thinking of this puts me to mind of the scene in the movie "The Birdcage" where the two gay main characters, in a last ditch attempt to impress a conservative couple whose daughter their son wants to marry, take out all their flamboyant furniture and décor and replace it with large uncomfortable looking furniture made of dark wood and, of course, a large imposing cross over the mantle.

I'll post the pics I got of St. Ann's on here and am hoping that I might find some more pictures by emailing the diocese. I would like to get a bunch of pictures and perhaps have an artist paint a portrait from them. St. Ann's was a beautiful church, and, though it is now gone, will always be a part of my life that I will hopefully never forget.

Some Frozen Peeps and Melancholy Memories...

I spent the last week with my dad. Every 6 months or so, he has an appointment to get his bladder scoped to make sure that the cancer that they removed from there a few years back is still gone. So, I go out to the beautiful town of Mesquite for a week or so, every 6 months and we take a trip to St. George, UT and he gets himself some really good pharmaceuticals that make him pretty much not give a crap that he's getting a rather thick tube stuck into and far up an organ that is not used to having anything solid in it and that usually everything that does pass through it is goin' the other way. Of course, a major upside to this is the trip back to Mesquite, which may be possibly the only time I can drive a car with my Dad in the passenger seat in complete, blissful silence is when he's completely zonked out from the drugs he gets at that doctors office.

The rest of my days I spend helping him do things like go to Vegas and get his SUV serviced, or get him up to speed on cool computer-related stuff like Facebook. Then there's the 2 or 3 obligatory visits to the local casino, where my father proceeds to (inadvertently) make me feel like a total teetotalling buzz kill. I believe I can say that the producers of Miller Genuine Draft owe my father and his indefatiguable liver a debt of gratitute, since that's his cocktail of choice. He says it tastes as good 10 or 12 beers into a night as it does when he takes his first sip. I'm not entirely sure that's a compliment, as, after I had a sip, ran to spit it out and complained loudly that it tasted like swill... but apparently consistent tasting swill, no matter how much of it one drinks.

I found out this trip that I have my mother's "pissed off look." Apparently, it's eerily similar, at least, according to my father. He and I had eaten a late breakfast at the little cafe at the casino and when we came out, he asked if he could stay a bit and play video poker, and I was cool with that, as it gave me the opportunity to go get a few grocery items I'd been craving, and tool around the really pretty town where he lives. So, I left him there around noon, and came back around 3 pm to see if he was ready to head back. He pointed to the $800+ jackpot over the poker machines and said that it usually never gets this high and was ripe to be won. I resisted rolling my eyes, and headed back home, where I watched a movie and made myself a sandwich. At 5:30 pm, I went back down and asked again, and he got mad and said that I shouldn't tell him what to do and to go back to the condo and that he'd call when he was ready.

Yeah... that probably wasn't the right thing to say to me, and apparently that's when he really focused on my face and saw that I am also the child of his wife. My mother (God rest her soul) would have probably given him the look I had on my face just then, right before she grabbed him by his neck and frog marched his drunken butt out of the casino. The look on my face had people making a concerted effort to get the hell out of my way as I exited the casino. I got back home and called my sister and told her what had happened and, ever so sympathetically, she said, "HA! Better you than me!" When I got off the phone, my cell beeped its voicemail message alert and I realized I'd missed a call, and lo and behold, it was from my Dad. He said he'd be heading back up presently and that he was sorry I was really pissed...

I decided not to pick at it anymore, and when he got home, I let him twiddle nervously around the condo for a bit before asking how he made out (purposefully leaving out the words "in the 6 hours you spent in the casino" from the sentence.) He shrugged non-committally so I assume he didn't win anything. Casinos are funny like that... most people don't win, no matter how ripe the jackpot is. Casinos epitomize the despair.com saying, "For every winner there are dozens of losers, odds are you're one of them." Also, my Dad tends not to understand the concept of walking away while ahead. I went down with him on Sunday and played the slots, and won $80.00 (I started with $20.). I saw that the machine had gone cold and just stood up and left. My father thinks I don't know how to gamble. I think I've got a good grasp on it, tho,ugh which is why I don't do it often.

This morning (Friday), I was getting my stuff packed up for my Saturday trip back to NC, when I mentioned to Dad that I'd had a bit of a sad time at Wal-Mart on Monday. I had gone in there to get a prescription filled and noticed that they had the front aisles set up with candy for Halloween. When I'd visited in March, my Mom and Dad and I had gone there to get her some new lenses for her glasses and, after accidentally losing my father in the women's clothing section of the store, she asked me to take her, in her wheelchair, down those aisles (they were set up for Easter at the time), so she could get some marshmallow peeps. As I stook there waiting for my prescription, I could almost close my eyes and hear what she said to me on that day as clearly as anything. It made me rather sad, made me really miss my Mom, and it seems odd, to get such a strong memory in (of all places) Wal-Mart and over something as silly and insignificant as peeps.

After I told Dad that, I went to my room and called John to see how his day went, and as I talked, Dad came in and set a box of peeps on my stomach. He smiled and said he still had all of the packs of peeps we'd bought that day in the freezer. My mom loved them, but after her blood sugar started to get too high when the hospice lady checked it, she was rationed to 1 or 2 peeps a day, so apparently there's a ton of peeps in the bottom of the freezer.

Now, as I walk around the condo, I just need to stop and close my eyes and I can almost see Mom as she was in March, sitting in her wheelchair next to the dining table and doing crosswords with my Dad, or laying in her hospital bed next to the big bed in their bedroom where I was laying as she talked with me about how I shouldn't be sad, since she had to go sometime, right?

It's not all sad memories though, I remember the good time I had driving with Mom and Dad as I helped them move across the country 5 years ago, and going to Mt. Zion with Mom, Dad and John just a few years ago, walking through that beautiful park and then stopping afterward to get some souvenirs at the shops in a nearby town.

I sit here typing in this melancholy missive and think, "There's not much that I wouldn't give to just have her back healthy and happy so I could tell her how much I love her and how important she is to me and how I wished I'd said that kind of stuff more often." Then I close my eyes and remember her laying in bed, looking up and me holding my hand the last time I was here as she talked to me about being sad if she died and I think that she already knew.

-BK

These Thing Happen In Threes

While I was out the other day I bumped into a friend of mine who I'd not seen in some time, and I recalled the reason for that long absence approximately two minutes into our conversation. I remembered that this was one of my "friends" that I could only be around for short periods of time, because the more time we spent together, the greater the likelihood of our friendship devolving into, at best, a total crazed bitchfight, or, at worst, possible manslaughter, (tho I kinda believe I'd get off with a temporary insanity plea if it came down to me actually choking the life outta him.)

It was around the 2-minute mark that he asked me how everything was going and what I'd been up to recently. I mentioned that my mom, whom he'd met, had passed away as had my dog Buster (whom he'd also met, tho I think Buster liked him less than my Mom, but I can't be certain.) He grabbed my hand and said, "Oh, honey... you must be so worried, since these things happen in threes."

I kid you not... that was his response to the death of my mother and my dog. "Oh, honey ... you must be so worried, these things happen in threes."

It was one of those moments where time stood still and this post practically wrote itself in my mind. "These things happen in threes." OMFG... what a putz!

My near-instantaneous and totally snarky reply (probably one of the reasons I won't see this guy for another 6 months) was, "Threes huh? Well, if there is any truth in that statement I'd better back up so as to avoid the gigantic boulder or grand piano that should be dropping onto your head in true Wile E. Coyote Warner Brothers fashion. This will deprive me of having such a truly sympathetic friend as yourself, but I think I'll soldier on."

Mourning The Loss Of Man's Best Friend, (Or In This Case) Two Men's Best Friend

Ten years ago, John and I traveled out to Greensboro to a greyhound rescue called Greyhound Friends. John wanted to get a greyhound. He picked a beautiful black female greyhound and we put the deposit down for her. A few days later, John got a call that she didn't make it through the operation to get fixed, which apparently is not uncommon as greyhounds are especially sensitive to the stuff that vets use to knock them out, and could we come out and pick another dog?

So, back out to Greensboro we went. That time, we both agreed that we needed to get a male, as we didn't want to go through the same thing with another female. So we took our little girl dog Max with us to make sure whatever dog we looked at was OK with small dogs. John was favoring a brindle colored male in the top row when I spotted a big black and white dog with his tail wagging furiously at us as we walked by. I popped his cage open and leashed him up and motioned to John. It was his happy, tail-wagging demeanor (and the fact that he was about 4 inches taller/larger than the other greyhounds) that caught my eye. He wasn't nervous or skittish like some of the other dogs in the place. It was like he knew that we were coming for him and was ready for us to get him. He even tolerated our little dog Max, which was what clinched it and made him part of our family.

There's been times, over the last ten years, that I was furious with him, like when he went through his brief "chewing" phase from which the newel post on the stairs of our condo has never recovered, or when he would escape from our gated dog area and run off to the trailer park that was the next development over from our last house, or when he would "mark" various areas of the house to prove that it was indeed his house.

There's an old saying though, that "time makes all memories golden". I know that it's true. I wouldn't have traded him for anything.

About four months ago, Buster seemed to get a bit of a bladder infection, which when added into the fact that he's already an old dog, it made him unable to hold his bladder for more than a few hours at a time, and usually he'd let it go if he fell asleep, and he wouldn't realize it until he woke up. The truly awful part was the look on his face when he realized that he'd peed his bed, or peed my bed, or didn't hold it until he got outside and peed on the floor. Buster is the most facially expressive dog I've ever had. He gets this horribly sad, guilty look on his face that clearly says, "I'm sorry! I couldn't hold it! I tried! I'm really, really sorry!" To see this look... it's like having a knife stuck in your gut and twisted around a few times. There's no way to be angry at him for something like this, so you just pat him on the head and say, "Don't worry about it buddy, I'll make sure you get out more often."

About 4 weeks ago on Saturday, John and I were sitting on my bed talking and all of a sudden our poodle Algonquin started barking like crazy at Buster. John and I peered down over the foot of the bed where Buster had been sleeping on his dog bed and saw that he was trying to stand up but was unable to do so, and his head was pointed down and turned at a funny angle. He was also panting like he'd just run a race and his eyes had gone all wild. I shooed Algonquin off him and helped him get to his feet, at which point he stumbled towards me and fell over.

His breathing was becoming more labored, and he was finally able to get up, kinda sorta. He began to walk like he'd had a stroke or a seizure on the right side of his brain, which caused his left legs to not work real well. But, he soldiered up, walking up the hallway to the kitchen and got himself some water.

He then walked to the front door and waited as I got my shoes on and the leash onto him, then he stumbled outside and peed, then promptly fell over again. He got back up and dragged me down the walk where our neighbor was looking at my rather stricken appearance with alarm. I explained that I thought he might have had a stroke or a seizure, but that he had "demanded" to go to the bathroom. While I explained, Buster peed on a nearby tree, then leaned on it for a while and panted some more, then he decided he'd had enough, and dragged me back up the walk to the house. I got the leash off him and he stumbled back to the bedroom and laid back down on his dog bed and, once settled, promptly fell asleep.

At this point, I was pretty wrung out and upset, so I called my friend Daniel, who is a real fan of Buster's and left a message explaining what had happened, then mentioned that we were thinking that (if he did have a stroke and was in pain or incapacitated) we might have to take him to the vet and have him put him down. Neither John nor myself want to see Buster live in pain. He's been too good a friend to have to go though that. Daniel called back about 30 minutes later and asked if, after we ate dinner, he could come over later in the evening and see Buster, in case it was the last time he'd see him.

So I went up the road to a local Chinese restaurant and had dinner with Daniel and his partner Don and, afterward, they came back to the house. And wouldn't you know it, Buster gets up off his dog bed and runs to the door, tail wagging and happy like nothing had happened. I just shook my head and explained that he had looked really awful a few hours before, and that it seemed nothing short of a miracle for him to have snapped back like he'd done. On the upside, the seizure seemed to cure him of his bladder issue, so I took it as a sign that it just wasn't his time yet and allowed him to sleep in the bed with me again.

When my mother died in mid-April, I was fortunate enough to be able to get John's mom to come and stay with him and the dogs and take care of all of them while I went out to Nevada for the funeral and to spend some time with my Dad afterward.

When I got back from Nevada on Wednesday, I was expecting the worst. John and his mother had both sent messages saying how Buster hadn't been eating, and how, in general, the dogs had been going wild since I left. I walked in around dinnertime and Buster was sitting on the leather chair and he sort of wobbled his way off it and came over to me, tail wagging. I petted him and let him and the other two dogs out to pee. He then came back into the house and went straight to his food bowl and ate every last stitch of food in it. Seems he was just waiting for me to come back.

Later that night, John's mom and I were watching tv and I noticed Buster's chest near his front left leg had turned bright red, almost like a bruise, and that his leg had begun to swell. Over the next day, his leg swelled to double its usual size, and he began to limp badly on it. I gave him some painkillers and hoped the swelling would abate on Thursday.

When I got home it was worse. Buster stood next to my bed on Thursday night, looking longingly up at the covers... Apparently John's mom didn't allow Buster to sleep on the bed with her like I do. So I picked him up carefully and put him gingerly down on the bed, and covered him up. I slid into bed next to him and was nearly asleep when I heard him try to roll over. His swollen leg caught on the covers and he yelped in pain. It was then that I knew; knew that this would be his last night keeping me warm in my bed, and knew that I would be taking him to the vet tomorrow because he'd been too good a dog to allow him to live in pain like that.

I got off work at about 4 pm and hustled home to let all the dogs out to do their business. I hitched Buster up to the porch as I put the other two dogs back in the house, then he and I walked down to my car, where I carefully put him in his favorite traveling place, the back deck of my Prius. He was all perked up and happy to be going for a ride as we rode the short distance up to the Timberlyne Animal Clinic. I put the car windows down and went to see if they could see us without an appointment. I explained what was going on with Buster and the receptionist said it'd be no problem.

So I went to the car and fetched Buster and got him on the scale to be weighed. He'd lost a lot of weight, and was down from his 85 lb weight a few years ago to a mere 68 lbs. We went to the room and the vet came in and took a good look at Buster and then motioned to me. He said that he was pretty sure it was a tumor near the top of his leg, where the swelling was really, really pronounced. The swelling in his leg and the redness of his chest made him think that something around the tumor had ruptured and that blood was filling those areas. He explained that I could easily spend 4-5 thousand dollars to have them x-ray and amputate and go after the cancer with chemo, but then he said that it wouldn't buy him a lot of time, seeing as how he was in advanced years already, and that he could feel more lumps on his other legs as well. He said that the kind thing to do would be to consider euthenasia. I nodded, somehow already knowing that this would probably have been the case anyways.

I called John a few times, desperately trying to get through to him before I made any final decision. Finally, just as I was giving up, cursing him for not picking up his cellphone and vowing to superglue the damned thing to his head one night very soon, he called me back. In a voice thick from crying, I told him what was going on and asked him if he wanted to come see his buddy one more time before they did anything. John's voice was gone and I could barely hear him tell me that he just couldn't do it... he wanted to remember Buster as he saw him earlier in the day, laying happily on the leather chair.

Buster knew I was upset as I talked to John. As I was crying, he limped over to me and put his head on my lap and looked up at me as if to say, "hey.. it's OK. Don't be upset. I don't like to see you crying." He meant well, but being consoled by the animal that's about to be euthanized just isn't cricket, and I ended up bawling like a baby and hugging him as I sent out text messages and made calls to everyone who knew Buster.

The nurse came in sometime during this emotional outburst and I gave her the go-ahead to start the procedure by passing her my credit card. After my credit card cleared, the vet came in and told me how it would work, that he'd give him two injections, one of a tranquilizer to calm him down, and the other would be the euthenasia drug (some potassium mixture, according to my sister Kathy.) He then said that I could leave if I wanted to, that I didn't need to see it done. I was horrified at the very idea. "No!", I said to him, "He's my bud. I'm not gonna leave him now. I'm gonna hold him til the end." The doctor smiled kindly at me and nodded and patted me on the shoulder.

So, I got down on the floor next to the little cushioned dog-bed they'd brought in for him and he put his head on my lap. He barely twitched when the doctor gave him the first shot in his back leg. After a few minutes, he lolled his head up at me with a dull, stoned look that clearly said, "Wow... this is some GOOD SHIT!" A minute later his tongue sort of involuntarily popped out of his mouth and he drooled on me as he tried in vain to pull it back into his mouth. I scratched his head, ears and back all the while as the first drug took hold, talking to him and telling him how much I loved him. Just before the doctor came in to give him the second shot, I mentioned that, with him leaving like this, that it meant that Algonquin was now gonna be in charge. Buster's eyes narrowed slightly at the name and he looked up and actually gave me what I can only describe as a pitying look; one that clearly said, "I'm sorry, but that really sucks for you."

The doctor came in and told me that it was time to do the second injection. Buster didn't feel like going quietly, however, and as the doctor stooped down to where he would inject him in his rear leg, Buster let loose with possibly the most vile, bilious-smelling gas he's ever had. The doctor literally got up and had to go open a door less we all get sick. It was a rare bright spot in the whole visit, and probably the only time I smiled, though briefly, while in that building. After the smell abated, the doctor mentioned that he would check his pulse and let me know when he passed on. That was not really necessary. As he pushed in the plunger of the second syringe, about just less than halfway down, Buster gave a light shudder and was gone. I whispered, "Goodbye Buster. Bye-bye Buddy." I already knew he had gone, and that he wasn't in pain anymore. It was a small consolation to me, seeing as how the pain I was feeling now from his loss felt so enormous. The doctor listened to his chest and confirmed that he was indeed gone and then left me with him.

I looked down at him and carefully put his tongue back in his mouth and closed it, and then gently took off his collar. It's funny, when we used to bath him, I'd get him dried off and then hold his collar out and tell him that I needed to put it back on him so he'd be owned by us again, and he'd usually run right over to me and help me put it on him. This time, when I took it off him, as he lay so still, I knew I'd never really owned him, and that having him in my life wasn't an ownership responsibility thing as much as it was just a sheer blessing. I bent down and kissed him on the head once more and then got up and gathered up his leash, the invoice, and his collar along with the 30 or so kleenex that the vet and his assistant kept handing to me during my tear and snot filled visit. I stopped at the door and bid him goodbye once more, then walked out of the room.

I dumped the kleenex into the trash at the front desk and turned around as the vet walked toward me to shake my hand. He said that I'd done a very unselfish thing, by letting him go like I did; that it was a very good and noble decision.

It was then that I asked him why those types of decisions make you feel like you'd carved out your own heart, threw it on the floor, let everyone stamp on it, shit on it, then tried to stick it back in. Unprepared for this line of questioning, the vet gave me rather wide, alarmed-looking eyes. I went on to mention that other far less good or noble decisions, like for example, having a random fling hookup with a local college kid or skipping out on work on a nice warm Spring day, now those wouldn't even bring about a hint of ennui, guilt, or even, for that matter, a pause.

Then I asked him why that was, did he think? Again I got the wide, alarmed-looking eyes. I'm sure he thought I was just overwrought and half-crazy with grief. Let's hope so! After I got in the car, I really let go.... I wailed like a baby for a few minutes. Seeing Buster die, watching it actually happen, was a hundred times worse than seeing mom's body already dead at the mortuary a few weeks before.

Then I got really mad. I yelled at God, asking him "what the fuck was next?!?!" A heart attack for me? John's cancer to return? A car accident? Maybe a home fire or tornado? Lacking any immediate reply from on high, I pulled out of the parking lot for the Timberlyne Animal Clinic and headed home.

As I walked in to the house, I noticed Algonquin looking at me somewhat aghast and more than a little frightened. Apparently he is smart enough to do the math... Fat Owner and Buster leave the house together... and Only the Fat Owner comes back... holding Buster's empty collar. That can't be good! Funny, he's been on his best behavior since then. He must think his number is up next.

I walked upstairs and handed Buster's collar to John and sat down on the bed beside him. He just cried and I hugged him and told him just how good Buster was, this one last time.

It's a very sad day indeed now as we begin to mourn the loss of man's best friend, or in this case, two men's best friend.

Creating "Art" Amongst Utter Visual & Audio Disparity

I am sitting in front of my computer, putting together a set of flyers with a matching order card and an envelope for a free video set we're getting ready to send in the mail to our customers. It's for a "MILF mailing", one whose content targets customers who like to see videos with older women in them. This, in and of itself, doesn't seem all too out of the ordinary, seeing as how this is my job.

I am, however, working remotely this week as I finish up spending some time with my father in Nevada after my Mother's funeral last week. Being remote allows me a greater deal of flexibility as to where I can sit and create, or what I can wear while doing my work (though in truth, I've not really explored that angle too much. I'm sitting here in shorts and a shirt, which is pretty much the same dress code I keep at work. And besides, it seems to me that designing explicit flyers au naturale at the dinner table in my parents house would be so, SO gauche!)

So, to not get too off-topic, and to keep this to a shorter than usual blog entry, I am sitting here at the kitchen table designing these flyers while, to my right in the living room, the large screen HDTV is playing "The Sound Of Music" (one of the many DVDs I brought with me to pass the time.) I must say that the total juxtaposition of the hardcore sexually explicit nature of the material on the screen in front of me compared to the saccharine sweet "raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens" nature of the material on the giant screen to my right is so incongrously great that I honestly expect God to just come on down and smite the house at any second, or to look up and see a hole tear open in the fabric of reality.

The level of "gay" in the house was so high a few minutes ago, it actually woke my father out of a deep sleep. I'm kinda glad he's got the cheapo fire alarms, since a high-priced, more sensitive model may have accidentally gone off as the level of "flaming" skyrocketed as the movie progressed. My Dad, half-awake, proceeded to shamble out of his bedroom and down the hall to the living room where he looked around in bewilderment.(Or, as I privately thought, he seemed to be looking around to see where I had hid the other 30 or so gay guys that surely would have been needed to have brought the level of "gay" in the house up to such a homo-crecendo that it could have actually woken him up despite the half a Xanax he'd taken to get to sleep.) Giving up his cursory search for the gaggle of other non-existent gay men in the house, he then asked me to please keep it to a dull roar. I told him that I was sorry, and that I didn't think I was singing along quite so loudly....at which point he snorted, rolled his eyes, and mumbled something snippy and sarcastic about really having 4 girls in the family instead of 3 girls and a boy and then shuffled back to his bedroom and closed the door.

Oh well, back to the salt mines. This stuff doesn't create itself you know, and I still have a flyer or two, as well as an order card and an envelope to design. Luckily for me, I brought along "My Fair Lady" to watch once "The Sound Of Music" has played its last note! Tonight, I feel that I am well-fit by the immortal words of Professor Henry Higgins:

I'm an ordinary man, Who desires nothing more than an ordinary chance,
to live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants...

An average man am I, of no eccentric whim,
Who likes to live his life, free of strife,
doing whatever he thinks is best, for him,
Well... just an ordinary man (that designs explicit adult materials for a living!)

Hmm... I think I can feel the level of "gay" in the house creeping back up into the dangerous "pink zone." I can only hope my Dad had the sense to put in his earplugs and take the other half of that Xanax.

The Battle Is Finished, Now There Is Peace.

My mother had a wonderful Easter. My sister Kathy and her husband went out and spent the Easter holidays with them and they had a great time. It was just as they were leaving to go back to Alexandria that my mother began to show signs of fatigue and illness. What everyone had thought was a simple respiratory infection turned out to the beginning of the end. As the week rolled on, my mother continued to get worse and worse, until, at lunchtime on Friday, she quietly slipped away. I flew out the next day and was able to help the mortuary guy put together a nice slideshow of pictures for everyone to see at the viewings.

This morning we had the mass for my mother and, though my sister Kathy and I had written some comments to say at the service, Father Bob apparently had a tee-time to make at the local golf course or something and he hustled her out of the church right at the end of the mass. It was a bit upsetting, but I thought it'd be nice to put my sister's and my comments here so that everyone could check them out.
I'll do Kathy's first. She wanted to read a selection from a very talented poet, Jilchristy Dee. It's called, "Your Dreams Were All For Us Mom":

Your dreams were all for us Mom, all for us
You traded your own dreams to purchase ours
Willing to accept lesser opportunities
So that we would have every opportunity

Every possibility
Every chance for a good education
Every security and confidence
Everything!

And our dreams became your hopes and aspirations
We knew that we were never alone in our dreams
For you were right there with us

You didn't mind if you didn't get the best education
As long as we were afforded that opportunity
It didn't matter if your work wasn't what you had hoped for
As long as it gave us the means to create our own futures

You willingly accepted all those hours away from us, working long and hard. You were okay with it... as lng as it provided your family with security and stability

So we grew up surrounded in your deep love and in your safety

You provided the room in our hearts for imagination to grow

You took care of the worries so that our hearts and minds could pursue our dreams

You never spent much on yourself

You never enjoyed many of the finer things in life

We were the treasure you invested your life in

And you gave everything you had for us

Everything Mom!

Everything!

And now we have lives that are abundant and full

Blessed with rich memories and cherished opportunities

We are surrounded in the peace and love of family

And trusted, loyal, friends

We have a life that was paid for in advance

Through the difficult and dedicated efforts of a loving mother

Who traded the best years of her own life

To make sure we'd have the best years of ours

Mom, you will never be forgotten!

Your love and sacrifice will never leave us

We will never quesion our own true worth

For you proved our value to us every single day

And now we hope that our lives have rewarded your dreams

Satisfied every dedicated effort you gave for us

Given you every honor

Every sense of pride

Every happiness and peace

Every dream fulfilled

Everything!

You and your cherished legacy will live on forever

In the lives and hearts of your family

For you have truly purchased a better life for all of us

Through everything that you willingly sacrificed

You gave us everything Mom!

Everything!

(copyright 2007, Jilchristy Dee.)

The comments I had prepared are not nearly as poetic, but came from the heart, which is all I could hope for:

I need to start off by saying that I’m up here speaking for two people today. My partner John is NC right now having the giant painful lymphoma-related ulceration on his leg picked at and prodded in room 5 or 6 of the Duke Wound Clinic. So yeah, though it’s hard to imagine, he’d want me to be sure to let you know that there are indeed worse places to be than at a funeral.

Earlier today, John emailed me to correct something I’d written in Mom’s obituary. He’d noticed that I’d written that Mom had lost her battle with cancer, and emailed me to correct my wording. He asked that I point this error out to you today and use the more appropriate word “finished.” My Mom finished her battle with cancer on Friday. John wanted to convey that the idea here is that a good life gone to cancer is not "lost" except for the physical presence of that person to everyone. He goes on to say that Mom will continue to be a beautiful presence in all our lives through memory, tradition, great stories around the dinner table, and inspiration and that there is no loser in that - just moving along. We, in fact, would be the losers if we were to feel that all that goodness is gone from us, forever.

For myself, I feel it necessary to point out that this funeral provides the perfect example for why my family should never, ever gamble, most especially if the stakes are life or death. If someone had come up to us 5 years ago and asked us to bet on who would pass away first, mom or dad, and we’d have all picked Dad. He’d have been the easy-money, the odds-on favorite for a bet like that. He’s had more work done on him than a ’79 Volare and the International Space Station combined. It would have seemed like a no-brainer bet at the time, and we would all have lost our shirts.

It’s often said that funerals and memorials are held to soothe the pain of the living, since those that have died have already moved beyond any pain. In this regard, I can see where it would be easy to stand up here and rail against the unfairness of the timing of my mother’s sickness and death, both having left her precious little time to really enjoy her long awaited retirement with my father. It’d be just as easy to curse God, calling him out as a feckless and mean-spirited thug for taking her away from us like he did.

Yeah, while that would be really easy, it wouldn’t serve the right purpose, it wouldn’t soothe anyone’s pain, and wouldn’t be at all what she would have wanted to hear from me. I believe she’d hope that I would try and find a positive way to look at this whole thing and present it to you. So here goes...

I remember when we were younger, Mom worried aloud to my Dad that she thought she might never live to see us grown up and out on our own, seeing as how her own mother had passed on at so young an age. Well, she and Dad got us all raised and on our own, even helping to take care of their assorted grandkids and grand-dogs and cats.

Once she and my Dad retired to NV, Mom began to worry again to that she’d outlive Dad and, without his retirement income, felt that she would become a burden on us. After she was diagnosed with cancer, she began to worry less about outliving dad and more that she’d go through the same pain her mother went through when she was young.

Through the help of her children and some serious pharmaceuticals, she fought bravely for the last 11 months, but to no avail. With all her treatment options dried up, she decided to return home to finish her battle with cancer in the peace of her home. It almost seemed as if she waited for both my sister and my father to go use the bathrooms so that she could slip quietly and painlessly away. Believe it or not, it was just as she’d have wanted it to be.

You see, a Lady always knows when it’s time to go and my mother was a great Lady.

Going Home: An Update On My Mom

After consulting with her doctors and being told that they've done all they could do, my mother and my father have come to the mutual decision that it's time to go back home to Nevada. On their last visit, the doctors told my father that my mother had 1-2 months left to live, and my Mother wants that time to be in her own home, looking out at the snow-covered Virgin Mountains and nearby buttes.

I found out about all this when I called my Dad to ask if he'd been watching the news. Apparently, Las Vegas and the surrounding areas got smacked with a once-in-a-lifetime snowstorm.... a whopping 4" of snow. My parents and I both got a chuckle out of how much of a non-story story this was, with us having lived part of our lives in Western PA, where a 4" snowstorm would be no big deal at all. It probably wouldn't even have caused a school delay. You don't want to know how bad it had to get to get school cancelled where I grew up. It had to resemble one of the icy disaster scenes out of the movie, "The Day After Tomorrow" before the superintendant of the Ligonier Valley Schools would even consider picking up the phone and cancelling school.

My Dad calmly explained to me what the doctors had said, then followed up by saying that they wanted to go back home and spend that time with each other; that they'd gotten all their crying done the night before after they'd gotten the news, and now they had a plan to move forward.

I was glad to hear that they'd gotten all their crying done. I wish I could say the same, but I'd be lying. I guess, as I sit here and type, I can't help but think and feel angry and sad that God has really let us all down here, that he's really dropped the ball on this one. I'm angry and sad that my mom never really got to enjoy her retirement, as she worked right up until she got sick; that my Dad is about to lose the love of his life, his wife of over 40 years; that my sisters and I are all going to lose our mother; and that my nieces and nephews are going to lose out on knowing their grandmother as they grow up.

I'm so sad and angry and let down right now that I am almost at a complete loss for words. I am glad, at times like these, that there are people smarter than me who have already written words (in Latin, no less) that so perfectly suit the way I feel at this moment, that all I need do is "copy and paste" them here:

(sarcastically) gratias tibi ago, domine.

haec credam a deo pio, a deo justo, a deo scito?

cruciatus in crucem!

cruciatus in crucem!

(dismissive hand gesture) eas in crucem!


For the sake of my Dad's sanity, I'll not bother to translate that text to English. I'm pretty sure his head would just explode if he read this in English.

So... 1-2 months they say. Well, who knows. There's a great line from the movie, "The Godfather, Part II", delivered by Michael Corleone (Al Pacino). While sitting and having a "business meeting" in his house in Reno, Michael's brother Tommy, the family consigliere, brings up that Michael's enemy, Hyman Roth is returning to the country after being denied access "to live out the twilight of his life" in his native land (Israel). Michael slyly quips, "Hyman Roth's been dying of the same heart attack for the past 20 years." Maybe 1-2 months for my mom might be longer than they think. Doctors have been known to be wrong before, and my mother enjoys nothing more than confounding doctors and proving them wrong.

With flying back to Nevada is out of the question (altitude changes causing pressure on the brain would be BAD), my sister has been attempting the colossal undertaking of putting together an Alexandria, VA to NV Amtrack train trip for my parents and for her and her husband. Since Amtrack doesn't stop in Las Vegas, the closest she can get is somewhere in Arizona, and then they'll have to take a bus to the Las Vegas airport and rent a car to get back home. While this is all happening, my parent's car will be transported from Alexandria to NV by a coast-to-coast car transport company, that is, if my sister can find one that's going that way during the holidays.

After hearing her recount her adventure in travel agent-hell, I can now understand why the nation's Governors want the Obama administration to invest some of the bailout money he'll be chucking around into fixing the infrastructure of the US. I am a huge proponent of mag-lev and other types of high-speed rail, and believe that our country would be far more efficient today if we had been keeping pace with other foreign countries and upgrading our rail system as they have been. I believe if we could easily link state-to-state, intra-state and city rail/metro systems together so that they are easy-to-use, efficient,and relatively inexpensive, a lot of our traffic and car congestion issues could be resolved. Imagine being able to go from Asheville, NC to the NC shore in a few hours by hi-speed rail. Or having a 40 minute commute from Charlotte to Chapel Hill or Durham via high-speed rail and then being able to take a metro-like rail system to get around the RDU area. That would be the shit! And imagine all the jobs that would attract!

But I digress. With all of that planning being set into motion, my sister told me that the earliest they could do this would be just after Christmas, on the 30th of December. So I am going to try to make it up to visit my Mom and Dad around Christmas before they head back out West. I will, of course, be ready to go out to Nevada at the drop of a hat if her condition takes a turn for the worse, but I do hope that my Mom disproves her doctor's predictions and that the hat doesn't drop for some time to come.

A Come To Hospice (and Jesus) meeting....

The bad news came the other night. My mother's treatment is not working, and there was swelling on the front right side of her brain that was beginning to impair her cerebral and cerebellar functions.

This was discovered when my mother was eating dinner and realized that her left hand had taken up temporary residence in her mashed potatoes only after she had lifted the aforementioned hand up and rubbed her head. In doing so, she smeared the potatoes across her brow and head. While the picture that may paint in your mind may cause you to chuckle, my sisters, who had been staying with my mom and dad, immediately freaked out thinking that my mom had suffered a stroke, and rushed her off to the Stroke Center in DC for immediate evaluations.

As it turned out, she didn't have a stroke, but the symptoms were similar enough in nature that it was a good precaution. The doctors immediately started my mom on medication to reduce her brain swelling, but postulated that the swelling was caused by the expansion of her existing tumors. The prognosis for this is grim, and though we all still hope for a miracle, the reality of the situation is that my parents and sisters and I all agree that my mom and dad need the help of a hospice to adequately deal with this situation however it plays out.

I was the latecomer to this clan meeting. I got word of this on Wednesday night, after I spent the latter part of the day at the doctor's office, trying to figure out whether the trouble I was having breathing was caused by pleuracy, a non-diagnosed hiatal hernia, or some other unforeseen ailment. The doctor I was seeing that day, because my doctor was booked full and unable to see me, immediately jumped to the "you're fat and having a heart attack" conclusion. This only succeeded in pissing me off. I explained that I didn't think that was it, and that the pain I was experiencing was only on deep inhalation, and when I breath when laying prone, and also when I cough. Undeterred, she ordered up a EKG to make sure my heart wasn't about to explode out of my chest and muck up her tidy office. When the test came back with a perfect heart rhythm reading, I think I limited my "I told you so's" to a bare minimum, perhaps 8 or 9 at best.

The next step for her was palpation of my back and chest. Unknown to me however, was that this doctor was either a bonafide member of the undead or that she was just off in the other room with her hands in two buckets of ice. When she put her ice cold "Dukes" on my back, I nearly shot off the exam table into John's arms halfway across the room. She laughed and rubbed them together, bringing them from a frosty 20 degrees to a much balmier 22 or 23 degrees. I've heard of having ice in your veins, but she put new meaning to those words, as she kept me jumping and wriggling all over the place as she poked and prodded me with her icy digits.

I was then informed that the x-ray tech had left for the day and that I would need to come back the next day for an x-ray to check to see what might be going on in my chest. Figuring that the worst was over, I took my chart and paperwork and headed over to the labs area so that they could do some blood letting... er... blood drawing on me to see if they could find anything there. As I got there, the doctor strode up to me and added one more thing to the list, a fecal sample card pack, and I realized that I had cursed myself by thinking the worst was past and that the day could indeed get a whole lot worse.

If you've never had the pleasure of doing one of these, a fecal card pack is a multi-day test wherein you have to collect specimens of your own poop and put them on a card and send the whole lot of cards back in an envelope so they can be tested for blood or whatever else it is you can look to find in poop these days. The lab tech handed me the pack and I looked at it, mouth completely agape. I quickly asked if I could just grind one out right there for them and not have to do the collecting, spreading, letting dry, folding and mailing off business. I admit it, I'm a wuss. The idea of making teeny-tiny poop picassos on the inside of what looks like a bunch of matchbook covers just has no appeal to me whatsoever.

First off, I've not had a regular bowel movement since Bill Clinton was in office and I had my gall bladder out. I actually worry when I DO have a normal bowel movement as that's usually a sign that I'm sick or about to be sick.

Second, what does come out of there usually looks and smells like it went through New Jersey on its way out. I mean, some people say that they think their shit doesn't stink. I assure you, mine certainly does. My shit REALLY REALLY does stink! My foolishly curious dogs will push the door of the bathroom open and waltz on in when I'm trying to do my business, then get one whiff of the wolfbane I'm dropping and quickly back the hell out of the bathroom. That's gotta be a sign! I mean, if a dog thinks your shit smells so awful that they have to leave the room, well... there ya go!

Third, the idea of using a piece of a stick that's smaller and thinner than a tongue depresser to fish through the liquid loveliness that is my fecal matter holds absolutely no draw for me at all! I don't understand scat play, I never have and I can honestly say that I never will.

Lastly, I know what comes out of my butt is gross, nasty, and probably toxic on many, many levels. I know this because I've had to clean my toilet, and the chemicals I have to use to remove the lingering remains of my time spent on the porcelain throne are so powerful, bleaching and caustic that the poison warning on the label is practically as big as the product logo itself. And that's just not a good sign at all when the makers and marketers of a product feel that the poison warnings for their product should have as much real estate on the label as the name of the product itself. So my last protest against the at-home scatology painting and self-mailing lab kit was that the mailing pouch didn't look nearly sturdy enough to mail my poop anywhere safely. Come ON...it was PAPER! You definitely want a little more between my shit and the outside world than some flimsy papery envelope.

I mentioned this, apparently not too quietly to the lab tech and due to the close proximity of the office layout, most of the entire office as well. All of them, including the patients who were also within earshot, began to giggle in a rather school-girlish fashion. Great! Just great!

So yeah, I'd have definitely taken any bets at that moment that I'd hit rock bottom there, and that the day couldn't really slide/freefall any further down the abyss. Fecal collection... I mean... how much shittier can it get, right? Well.. I definitely wouldn't have beat the spread (fecal collection pun intended) on those bets, as my sister called just as I got back in the car and began driving off to get something to eat before I headed home. She called to let me know about Mom's possible stroke and to let me know that they were testing her now and they'd know more later on that evening. It was then that I knew, without a doubt, that I'd hit the bottom of the laurentian abyss that had been my day.

When I called my friends on Wednesday and Thursday to tell them what was going on with my Mom (there's a group of my friends that ask me for constant updates oon my mom), every one of them asked me if I'm alright. I've found that I have two base instinctive reactions that can happen when disasters happen, and I think this may be a "guy thing" too. I can either throw my hands up in the air, scream, yell, wail and cry, or I can "fuck shit up", which is wherein I take something/anything and just slam it against a wall, a tree, the side of the house, etc., til it's just splinters. Though both of these usually makes me feel better, the first really doesn't do much of anything positive except burn calories, and the second makes me wish I had better property insurance after I calm down and realize that the "insert destroyed object" cost "$xxx.xx" dollars and destroying it was just stupid. It's definitely a guy thing!

I got my chest x-ray the next day (Thursday) and then, that evening, got the news from my sister that what my mom had wasn't a stroke, but brain swelling that was causing my mom's symptoms. John and I discussed my options and I decided that, sick or not, I was going to go up to visit. I called my coworker and told her what was happening and she told me not to worry about whatever I was working on, that it would get done and that I was to go be with my mom. My boss, whom I called as I drove up today, said much the same thing, adding that everyone in my workgroup thoughts were with my mom and me and my family.

When I got to my parents sublet in Alexandria, I got to see a familiar sight, my parents forcing food on my siblings, and then onto me even before I was able to set down my bags and greet everyone. This ritual is one my partner never fails to make light of. This stems from the time we'd taken a trip to PA to visit my folks when they lived in Latrobe. We'd driven up there one night after work and had arrived there around 5 am, and, despite the hour and the fact that we'd been driving for 10-12 hours, my parents got up to greet us at the door and to tell us that they'd made some chili for us, and to ask would we like some? John just looked at my parents as if they'd just done something really, really disturbing and then, shaking his head in disbelief, toddled off to bed. I, of course, had some chili, and then went off to bed. Having been raised by them, I'm nothing if not well-trained when it comes to that kinda stuff.

So, as the early evening wore on, all of my sisters showed up, and, like kids waiting for Santa Claus, we began to wait for the "Hospice Lady" to make her appearance. While we waited, we threw in a copy of "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" and my parents watched incredulously as my sisters and I recited the entire show, verbatim... in chorus; pointing out our favorite parts of the show as they passed. I remarked on the eerie similarity in looks between John and the Grinch in several places during the show. most notably when he was grousing about the Whoos to his dog Max, and again when he began to smile "a smile most unpleasant" as he watched the Whoo children asleep with their candy canes (right before he stole them.) My sisters goggled at me for a second and then began to laugh and point at the screen and say, "oh my God, he really DOES look like John!" There's more than one reason we named our dog Max.

The Hospice Lady showed up and went through the whole spiel on what all was entailed with the hospice and hospice-care and then got the paperwork going for my mom's enrollment. My mother's doctor, Dr. Kressel called the Hospice Lady to confirm all the facts with her and in doing so, inadvertently upset both my mom and my dad when she relayed out-loud his rather grim prognosis for my mom, which is necessary to get the hospice care going. After my sister walked the Hospeice Lady back to her car, thanking her for the housecall, she and my other sisters began to explain to my parents that it wasn't a death sentence, but only his estimation, and that it might be completely off the mark.

My Dad, God love him, refuses to believe anything but the best will happen, and predicts my Mom will still beat this back. I quietly asked my sisters if they thought he could see the pyramids and Sphynx from his vantage point in de Nile (sic).

The rest of our evening was spent having a really, really fascinating conversation about the state of our family; how the way our family works positively impacts the new family members (i.e. spouses, daughters, sons, cousins, aunts, uncles, mother and fathers-in-law, etc., and how proud we all are of the way our family has stayed so tightly together through the years in contrast to other branches of our family who have splintered off.

I have to admit that I know where my Dad's coming from with his unflappable optimism (aka Denial), as part of me is seeing the pyramids just as clearly. There's that part of me that believes it could happen, too. I mean, I keep thinking to myself that, in a world where the son of a lowly carpenter can become the King of the Jews, anything is possible.

Longing For Christmas Past (Reprint)

I wrote this a few years back for my family, and, in a nice surprise, had a few newspapers contact me about printing this at Christmastime. My folks asked me to put it somewhere on the web where they could send people to read it.

Enjoy!

Longing For Christmas Past

I remember when I was ten years old. Christmas seemed so much more intimate, so steeped in tradition and family. There were the many activities and events that led up to the Christmas Holiday, like going to church during advent, and watching as one by one, the four advent candles were lit. I remember going to sit on Santa’s lap at the volunteer fire hall just down the road from our house in Wilpen, P.A., and then, days later, writing that last minute letter to Santa Claus to ask for any important gifts I’d forgotten to ask for when I sat on his knee. Back in those days, I gave the letter to my mom and dad who promised to check it for spelling errors, (wow… was I ever gullible!), then they’d take me into town to drop off the letter in the huge “letters for Santa” mailbox in front of the town hall on the Ligonier Diamond.

I also vividly remember all pre-holiday baking that got done a day or two before Christmas Eve. I remember watching as Grandma would mix together rice and beef, boil cabbage heads to loosen and separate the leaves, then roll out casserole after casserole full of halupki. She would then mix together batch after batch of yeasty dough to roll out on the counter into long sheets which she would then fill and roll into kolacky rolls. I remember her whole house would smell of the heady aroma of bakery goods for hours, almost days after she baked.

Those are just a few of the many memorable little details that made the time leading up to the big two day Christmas holiday magical all unto itself. Why do I call it a two-day holiday? Well, because I'm Slovak-American and Christmas Eve is just as much a holiday to us Slovak-Americans as is Christmas Day.

Christmas Eve started early for me back then, and by early, I mean it started off really, really early! At some point just as the barest hint of dawn began to lighten the dark winter sky in the east, Dad would wake me up and help my clumsy, still half-asleep little body get dressed in all my heavy winter clothes. He would then push me out the back door of the house so that I could start the day off by fulfilling an old Slovak Christmas Eve tradition. Let me explain the concept behind the tradition here so that you can gain a better understanding about why anyone would wake a young kid up, throw some clothes on him and toss him out of the house into the pre-dawn chill of Christmas Eve morning.

The old Slovak tradition of “vins” dictates that a young man or shepherd would call from house-to-house making his Christmas wish or "vins" to all in the household:

On this glorious feast of the birthday of Christ our Lord,
I wish you from God, good health, happiness and abundant blessings.
May it be yours to enjoy comfort from your children,
salvation for your soul, the kingdom of heaven after death,
and for the family's welfare, may you have whatever you ask of God.

Vesele Vianoce a Stastlivy Novy Rok -- Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Now the tradition that my family and most of my neighborhood prescribed to, however, had changed slightly, altering through either some odd Americanization of the original Slovak tradition or just from the lunacy of the old Slovak ladies in my neighborhood. The newly modified, updated tradition of my neighborhood stood thusly, "Young Slovak-American males are to be awoken in the wee hours of Christmas Eve morning, dressed warmly and tossed outside into the biting cold of the Western Pennsylvania wintertime where they are expected to take on the role of the “shepherd” traversing the neighborhood knocking on the doors of their Slovak-American neighbors (read as the aforementioned loony old Slovak ladies) and wishing them a "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!"

Did you happen to note the "Slovak males" part of the tradition? It's there for a reason, let me assure you. It is considered the height of bad luck for a woman to be the first person to come to your house on Christmas Eve. (I mean it's that kind of terrible “breaking a mirror while holding an umbrella open inside the house while walking under a ladder all at the same time” kind of bad luck!)
Sounds kind of sexist, doesn’t it? Well yeah. It is sexist, but hey, it's tradition! My grandmother is famed to have screamed at my mother through her kitchen window one Christmas Eve morning that she wouldn't let her into the house until a man could come to do the Christmas Eve blessing.

Of course, it’s not as not as if there isn’t any benefit in this for the young Slovak-American males as they fend of a sure bout of hypothermia schlepping all over the hell’s half-acre upholding this tradition. The old ladies in the neighborhood really took this blessing stuff seriously, and were more than happy to make with the cash handouts. A speedy route of a neighborhood like mine could net about $20 or $30, which, back in those days, to a ten year old, was a pretty good haul.

After that, the day went on fairly uneventfully. Christmas Eve is a day of fasting for Slovaks, so after I finished my freezing pre-dawn tour of the neighborhood, I’d head home and then hang around with my family as we would continue our fasting and preparing for the traditional Christmas Eve supper that was held at my Grandma's house. Around about 4 or 5 PM, we'd all walk up to her house and start getting ready for the "meatless dinner" that was traditional for a Slovak Christmas Eve celebration. The meal would consist of fish, usually highly breaded baked crispy fish sticks that bore absolutely no resemblance to fish. Getting my sisters and I to willingly eat fish when we were kids was only slightly easier than teaching a herd of elephants how to pirouette gracefully. Also on the evening’s menu were pierogies, peas, beets, stewed prunes, mashed potatoes, and brown sauerkraut gravy. There would also be kolacky, the Slovak pastry rolls my grandma usually made a day or two before, with different fillings such as ground walnuts, apricot, poppyseed, prune butter or pineapple.

At the start of the meal, each family member would be given a piece of Oplatki. Oplatki is a thin rectangle of unleavened bread that can come either in white or in various pastel colors. It usually is pressed into a mold when it’s made so that the side is embossed with a intricate and beautiful Christmas scene. The Oplatki is served with honey at the beginning of the meal along with a blessing. My grandmother would always do this blessing and I think that this, above all, was the main reason that she was so beloved by all the dogs that we had owned during my childhood. She would take some of the food, usually a spoonful of peas and throw them over her shoulder as the blessing or offering for "the birds and the animals of the forest." Apparently, our two dogs, Porky and Ebony qualified as the aforementioned “birds and animals of the forest" and they usually waited behind her like black and tan shadows, sucking up the fallen food like little 4-legged vacuum cleaners.

After dinner, we would go into Grandma's living room and open our Christmas presents. Now, there are Christmas purists that say you should wait until Christmas Day to open presents, but our family usually got "church clothes" for Christmas and opening them early on Christmas Eve ensured that we'd be wearing them later on for Midnight mass. After presents were opened at Grandma's house, we'd head back down the hill to our house (we lived next door to Grandma in those days) and go to bed to get in a nap so that we would be awake and alert at midnight mass.

Around about 10 o'clock in the evening, Dad would go off and start getting ready for midnight mass. Mom would hustle us into our rooms and get my sisters and I started on getting into our clothes for church. About 11 o'clock, Dad would tell me to go and get my Grandma and I would go up to her house and walk her down the path to our house. We lived in Western PA and it was usually either icy or snowy at Christmastime, usually both. I escorted Grandma down the walk between our two houses under the glass half full pretense that, had she slipped, her holding on to me would stop her from falling. But let's face facts, I was a small kid at ten years old, and, had she fallen down, that old woman would certainly have taken me right down with her. Dad would go outside and brush the snow and ice off of the car, then heat it up and we'd be heading off to St. Anne's Church in Wilpen, PA, a little over a mile or so from our house.

St. Anne's is a beautiful little Catholic church way out in the country. It is built at the base of a very, very steep hill. I honestly never realized how steep it was until I was one of four pallbearers at my Grandma's funeral just a few years ago. I thought briefly I might be joining her in the grave after nearly having a heart attack getting her casket up to the the cemetery at the top of that steep hill. Aside from the hill, there's a nice graded cement sidewalk with three small flights of steps that runs from the gravel parking lot up to the back of the church, where the doors to enter are located. During the winter, and especially on Christmas Eve, when we arrived thirty minutes before mass, before anyone could come and salt this sidewalk down, this trek was always particularly treacherous. I can remember many times that I wound up slipping and falling on my butt on this slick stretch of concrete sidewalk.

We would aim to arrive at church by 11:30 PM, easily a half-hour or more early, so that Grandma could say her rosary. Not that you would ever want to, but if ever you wanted to get Grandma really good and angry with you, try getting her to church without her allotted thirty minute rosary and prayer time. She was definitely a woman who took her pre-mass prayer seriously.

Inside, the church had 2 sets of about 20 rows of pews separated by the wide aisle that ran down the middle of the church. Women and young children sat on the left, and men on the right. I am unsure if this really was tradition, or just Grandpa's clever way of getting away from Grandma for an hour or so. Since nearly all the old men and women sat on separate sides, I always just assumed it was yet another one of those Slovak/Catholic traditions. I remember the many times I’d sit next to my Grandma and listen to her and Mary Miney, one of her many church bingo buddies, say their rosaries. Those two old women were “power prayers”. They could zoom through a rosary so fast that all you'd hear were hisses from rapidly whispered S's in the “Hail Mary’s and “Our Father’s.”

One Christmas Eve mass that I remember very well, my mother had decided to come along with us to midnight Mass. Mom was Methodist and didn't usually come to our church so this made it an unusual Christmas Eve indeed. The mass started out in the usual way with the priest entering from the back of the church and swinging ‘round the frankincense censor with such vigor that, if had he’d misjudged the chain length even a little, he’d have taken out the people standing in their pews who were next to the center aisle. Once to the altar, the priest passed the still-smoking censor off to the nearest altar boy, turned and welcomed us all to the church, wished us a Merry Christmas and began the liturgical part of the mass. Mass went on fairly routinely until communion, and then it went South in a hurry. As the people began to line up down the aisle and the priest began to dole out the hosts to them, the choir decided that it would be a good time to have a violin and vocal rendition of Ave Maria. Unfortunately, due to either poor planning or utter tone deafness, no one had thought to tune the violin beforehand, and so it was completely off pitch. In addition to this, the violinist was apparently a novice or really out of practice and would squeak the bow across the strings every few notes or so.

As the squeaky off-key intro to the song played out, the ridiculousness of the entire situation overwhelmed me and I began to giggle uncontrollably. Usually in church, a swift elbow to the side from my Grandma would have stopped any errant giggling, as the Catholic mass back those days was certainly no place for irreverent amusement. However, on that unusual Christmas Eve, I wasn’t sitting next to Grandma, I was sitting next to Mom and she too was also trying hard to hold back her own giggles brought about by the awful, squeaky off-key playing.

As the intro ended, the choir leader Anna Thomas, an older lady who possessed an amazingly powerful and penetrating voice, began to sing… very loudly and, unfortunately, very off-key. Now whether she sang off-key by accident or on purpose so that she would be in tune with the off-key violin accompaniment I’ll probably never know, but it was at that point that my mother, my three sisters and I all dissolved into semi-silent laughter, pushing into each other; hissing and shaking with barely controlled mirth. My Grandmother was livid, glaring over at us from the other end of the pew as if silently hoping and praying that the God that killed Cain and squashed Sampson would get back to work on us for our making merry in His church on Christmas Eve. Mass ended shortly afterwards and, on the walk back to the car and during the entire car ride back to the house, we got long and rather stern lectured from Grandma about not being "simple" in the house of God.

Come to think of it, I was always really good at being “simple.” I am (or was) apparently naturally talented in that particular area. I'm pretty sure that, unless my younger cousin Matthew beat me out, my Grandma probably told me I was being “simple” more often than anyone else in my entire family.

When we got home, we would all get out of our church clothes, wash up and head off to bed. Christmas Day would see us getting up and having the big Christmas dinner at our house around two in the afternoon. After dinner, we'd all laze around and watch television, nap or play with our Christmas presents.

As I write this account and think back on all those happy memories, I find myself feeling somewhat sadly nostalgic for those long ago days. I can't help but mourn the loss of those long-held traditions that my family and indeed, our whole neighborhood, celebrated back in those days. I feel terribly sad for the next generation of my family, and of Slovak-Americans in general who will never experience that facet of their heritage because of our current generation's loss of the knowledge about, or downright indifference towards, all the old Slovak traditions we celebrated when we were growing up.

As odd as it may seem, I know that if I were offered the choice of a million dollars cash or the chance to go back in time, to be that ten-year old kid again and be able to re-live that one Christmas, I would choose the latter without even a second's hesitation.

To be able to once more experience Christmas with my family; to once more be awakened by my dad before the crack of dawn on Christmas Eve and get tossed outside into the cold to walk the neighborhood and bring good luck to the loony old Slovak ladies by bestowing holiday vins…

To once more be able to be in my grandmother’s house to smell the delicious odors of her baking all the old Slovak food, and then sit with my family at Grandma's table for Christmas Eve dinner and watch her throw the peas over her shoulder…

Or to once more take that hazardous trek to Midnight Mass at St. Anne's Church and listen to those old women speed through their rosaries and then laugh with my mom and my sisters at the squeaky violin playing and off-key singing during communion.

Yeah, that’d be worth a million bucks. Heck, I think it’d be worth that and a whole lot more!



Vesele Vianoce a Stastlivy Novy Rok!
(Merry Christmas And A Happy New Year!)

Giving Thanks...

As Thanksgiving quickly approaches and John and I make plans to head to the DC area to celebrate Thanksgiving with pretty much all of my extended family, a friend of mine said something to me that gave me pause. He said, "It's kind of hard to give thanks for a year as totally screwed as this one's been, eh?"

At first, I had to agree with him. Yeah. This has been not one of the better years I've lived through, if you look at from the point of view of the problems that have, well... caused it to be totally screwed. Initially, that was the way I looked at it. Then, just last week as I drove home from work, I was thumbing absently at my iPod as it played through my newly added playlist of Christmas songs, when a song from Josh Groban's Christmas album from 2007/08 started. It's a song called "Thankful" and it made me think of my friend's statement and look at my year in a new perspective.





Yeah, I could look at over the last year and spend a lot of time and energy listing off all the really crappy things that have happened, or, I could look at it like this:

In 2008, my mom was lucky enough to cough up blood in May, which got her to go to the doctor and find out that she had lung, rib, neck and brain cancer. She then traveled across the country to the DC area to begin effective treatment that is slowly beating back the cancer in her body. If she hadn't coughed up the blood, she wouldn't have known what was growing inside her at all and might not be here now to celebrate this thanksgiving with myself and my family.

In 2008, my dad was having some edema and breathing issues while staying in Alexandria with my mom for her chemo treatments. My sister was luckily on hand and so she hooked him up with a cardiologist friend of hers who identified his issues as being rather serious congestive heart issues, and now he has a pacemaker/defibrillator helping to regulate his heart. Again, if he had been stubborn and not told anyone, he might not be alive now to celebrate this holiday.

In 2008, my partner John was lucky enough to get moved laterally away from the internet team over to the Prospecting team at work, downgrading his stress level by getting moved away from a manager that was an utterly useless waste of DNA and who was out for blood, to one more like most other micro-managers out there -- one who simply tries his patience on a daily basis. If he hadn't moved, his former manager had already made plans to fire him, simply because he had cancer and she wanted a woman to have his job. On the upside, she up and quit a few months ago just as whispers of her impending termination began to circulate. It's hard to say that she'll be missed, especially with so many employees hoping that they'll still run into her "outside of the building." Usually the employees that say they hope to "run into her" are the ones revving the engines on their cars/SUVs. I guess I should give thanks that she left the company, though it did dash my hopes for a holy smiting. (But if God is reading my blog, just feel free to smite her anyways, cuz you know what I say, why waste a good smiting, right? It's not like her leaving of her own volition left her any less deserving of a holy smackdown, so go right ahead and smite away! Give me yet another reason to give thanks!)

In 2008, my partner John underwent his last monthly set of "maintenance" chemotherapy sessions. Now if we can get his fatigue, fevers, chemobrain and weird, undiagnosable leg-issues taken care of, we'll be all set.

In 2008, over 30% of our retirement money evaporated, our monthly house payments went from $1300 to $1800 so that we could get away from a soon to re-adjust ARM mortgage. However, in losing that money, as well as the country losing nearly half a trillion dollars in the Wall Street meltdown, everybody finally woke up enough to realize that you don't elect a president primarily because you think he's a good christian or that he's someone you'd want to hang out with and have a beer. You elect the guy who is going to do the best job looking out for the welfare of everyone in the country, not just to throw buttloads of money to his rich crony friends. The country realized that the current administration's policies only benefit GWMs (Guys With Money), so they elected a Democratic President that will begin to pull the country back from the financial suckhole into which the Republicans have driven it and back to the prosperity that the Democrats left it in back in 2000.

In 2008, I got to go see a Durham Bulls ballgame with my next door neighbor Jean Spencer, complete with 4th of July fireworks (which had been rain delayed from the actual 4th of July game night), and we had an absolute blast! We drove over to the stadium in the Volvo convertible and she said being out with the top down and all, that she felt like a young girl again. It is that memory that I hold onto now when I think of Jean; not the one of going to her funeral a little less than a month later after she died suddenly of a heart attack.

In 2008, my friend Daniel was lucky enough to break off his relationship and break away from his ex and move in with a nice guy named Don and they've been fused at the hip ever since.

In 2008, my friend Susan lost her child support and full custody of her kids, and had to move to a different part of Chapel Hill to a smaller apartment that was affordable for her. In doing so, however, she was able to continue to stand and prosper on her own without child support while at the same time showing her husband that taking care of two kids isn't nearly the picnic he had apparently envisioned it to be. I am glad that, though she is no longer living two doors down, we have been able to maintain and grow our friendship, as well as still be a part of her boys' lives.

In 2008, my friend Josh seemingly spent more time in the hospital than he did out of it. However, he was able to get batteries of tests done to help him understand his health issues better, and is hopefully (knock on wood... lots and lots of wood.... knock hard!) on the way back to good health.

In 2008, I got my blood pressure under control and lost 25 lbs.

In 2008, John got himself a kitten, who, after sensing that I am allergic to her, has spent the last several months utterly ignoring John and hanging all over me, cuddling and canoodling and getting all up in my face. I was never much of a cat person, but I do love my little cat, and have become immensely fond of Zyrtec and Flonase as well.

In 2008, my friend Paul and his partner from Nevada went and tied the knot in a beautiful California wedding. What should be left unsaid is that the people of California took it upon themselves to make Paul and his partner and John and myself and all other gay and lesbian people second class citizens by voting in Proposition 8, a despicable anti-gay amendment to California's constitution. John and I emailed Paul the other day to tell him that we were thinking of him and his partner and that, whatever California decides, their marriage is more real and more of a reality than any ink on a marriage license could ever make it.

I guess another way of looking at it would be to be give thanks that I had another year to be with the people I really love and care about. I had another year with John, another year with my folks and family, another year to share good times with my friends, and even had another year of loving companionship with my wonderful old dogs, two of whom are getting so advanced in years that they may not have many more holidays left.

Yeah... I think those are reasons enough to give thanks, don't you?